Over the years I have observed my friends, family,kith and kin, and watched their lives with envy.   Over time they had developed real lives.  They had careers – not just work that paid the bills.  It has gotten worse with my eldest child and more recently my husband, as they have gotten their lives and careers off the ground.  I have had lots of regrets of not finishing college, and having meaningful work.  I have had jobs, paid my bills and reached for financial stability.  When it comes to that stability, things are probably pretty good.  In August my husband finally got the job of his dreams at Lincoln Memorial University.  He has work he is happy with and proud of.  He has very late hours due to the students are studying late… and he is there helping them.  Most nights he is getting home after midnight or later and I am getting home most nights after 6:00 and have the whole evening to myself.  I am busy, and I have lots of crafts, projects and books to keep me busy… but it really is getting lonely.

This weekend we had a special seminar that a friend of ours did at LMU, and we had time to talk, and contemplate our life. We have previously had “discussions” about me going back to school and my feelings were that we did not have the money, and I did not have the time.   This does not even get into my own issues of self-confidence, and if I can do it or not.   On the way back we talked about me taking the Myers-Briggs test to see what it said I would be good at, and we discussed some of the possibilities.   We had some out-of-town guests at the house this morning and we got them in on the discussion.  We talked about it at our trip to Lowes this afternoon and all the way through some home repairs and to supper.

The final outcome is this.  We are going to “eat this elephant one bite at a time.”  Hubby is going to put me in touch with some people on campus… and even if it is out of loneliness and boredom, I am going to start taking a few classes.  If Deity really wants this, then Deity will provide and doors will be opened.

I was often upset when my grandmother was alive due to she refused to keep living up until the moment she died.  She started dying soon after my grandfather did, and preserved her life as a memorial.  Nothing could change.  She had to live in that house and maintain it just like it was when my grandfather was alive.  I often wished she would sell the house and she and her sister move in together in some assisted living care situation.  She would have had people around that she had things in common with and been more active.  In an assisted living facility she would not have been so confined to the house because she was afraid she might fall.

If I am not to repeat my grandmothers mistakes… I must keep living.  I can’t let myself think that due to my age that my life is over and I can’t start anything new.  I don’t know where this is going to lead.   I am not making any promises.  The changes may not be immediate and we all know life may send us curve balls, but in this season of fall and winter, I am getting out the seeds of change.  I will make my plans and in the next year plant my “garden” for a late harvest.  Good gardeners know how to get the most out of the growing season.