Monday, Monday, so good to me;
Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be.
I must say it has been a good weekend. I have gotten more gardening done in two days than I think I have achieved in the last two years. I now have my vegetable garden area totally cleared out and replanted. I have cleared out an area in the back that I have just let go for some time. I am trying to give myself regular but doable goals to achieve weekly. There are multiple areas of my life that want to have my garden area cleaned up and reestablished in the near future. I am going to refocus my efforts on doing Herbal submissions to Kingdom Arts and Science competitions. I will next be diving into the Ovate level of OBOD in the near future and one of the focus’s of that level is herbcraft. And I just feel better when I have my garden area in order. I have started making plans on revamping the garden and relating that to both my OBOD and SCA studies.
Since this is one of “Ginger’s” posts, I am going to touch on the results of some spiritual work I have been working on. I recently discovered that the ugly green eyed monster has popped back up in my life after I thought I had conquered it and buried it years ago. It was very shocking and disturbing to have that energy pop up and slap me in the face again. It was not that I never had jealous moments or emotions… just that they had not jumped up and pretty much took over my day/ week/ relationships. I actually reached out to someone I know is is now a Life Coach, because this disturbed me that much. I thought I had that part of my life sort of in control. Well, I didn’t and so I approached this pretty much the way I handle most of my life. I write things down, I make a plan and I start working my plan. I am not going to tell you I have this whole thing wrapped up in a nice blue bow and buried again, this time with chains and magic spells. But I have approached it from a whole new angle.. Why?
Why am I jealous? What am I afraid of?
I am jealous that someone is getting all of the “goodies” that I had worked so hard for. I am afraid that I will never be recognized for all of the work I have put in, all of the time, and energy. But more than all of that and after much soul searching… all I really care about is feeling that I belong ( in the SCA) and that I have friends that want to be around me. All of the awards and accolades really mean nothing if I don’t have that. I know why I have been working so hard all of these years. It was to finally be a Peer and have the right to have a household. So that I could surround myself with people of common interest, and common values. People I could depend on, to be around and help me feel safe when I don’t. People who have shown a real fondness for me. People to eat with, share stories with, share my life with, work with and have fun with. I am a part of several households… but we are all so busy and have different obligations so that I never see them. I have been a part of several non-peer led house holds, and they seem to just fall apart… again with the above ( so busy and different obligations) I really hate being alone in a crowd. I feel I have no where to be and I am in the way, where ever I am.
So, moving forward. I had the opportunity to ask my Life Coach a question and have her answer it on one of her question and answer sessions, she has several times a week. I had been pondering on a question for the last week and was not coming up with a solid answer. Through my self meditation and examination, I had come to see that no number of awards or accolades, would fix my basic problem. The good feelings that came from those did not ” fill my cup,” as they say. The conclusion I came to on this was that there was so many holes in my cup/soul that I could never fill it up, to feel that the ” atta boys” were enough. And I needed to fix this.
The question was this, ” How do we plug or heal the holes in our souls and is this why nothing is ever enough to make us feel whole?” She presented a lovely discussion on the subject and made several suggestions. She went into the subject matter of Soul Retrieval, and how and why it works in these sort of situations. I mulled on this a bit and started my day. ( ok, afternoon, in reality ) This included time at my altar, working with Bridgit. In gratefulness for the new outlook, I did the full thing… It is Monday, my day off and I am not rushed in any shape, form or fashion. I came to the end and felt the encouragement to remember a time of emotional anguish, a time when a fragment of my soul could have shirred off or had been left behind. It was immediate. I saw myself as a child, on the bus, alone and waiting to get home. An elder, wiser aspect of myself got on the bus and when to sit with the child. The child was hurting, and near tears. The elder me started talking to her. Acknowledging her pain and fears. Then came the magic question? “Would you like to go home?” The child looked up and knew that this was not just the home of the bus stop but something more, and more safe and more happy. She said yes. When the bus came to the awaited stop, the elder got up and put out her hand for the younger. They made the way down the aisle, and went down the steps. The elder asks to take her back pack to make her burden lighter, and they make their way…. to me. In my minds eye, I saw them, I reached out my arms to my more vulnerable self. A wee child of 6 or 7, blond hair and pony tail. In a plaid dress with Mary Jane collar that I remember. It was all fall colors except for the collar and sleeve edging. I bundled that child to myself and hugged her so close. After a moment I asked her… ” Are you ready to come home?” And I just knew how. I told her… on a count of three. We breathed in sync. One breath, two breaths, Each time hugging closer…. And after the third breath, we merged.
At the point of that merging I saw an image of the Japanese pottery that is done on broken pieces. This is where the break is filled with gold or other precious metals, for it to become even more beautiful in its mending. I saw clearly one of these cups with a streak of gold in it’s mending… and it was beautiful… It feels beautiful.
Is this done, is it over… Probably not. But, I have begun the journey to find my lost soul pieces, and each time this happens I will feel more whole and more of myself. I will hopefully just be content with who I am, and try just to be a good friend to those who offer their hand in friendship. There have been a few who have done that as of late… and I need them to know, we have just begun.